Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
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my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
SPLOOT
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.