To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Anyone really
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.