@jjhartinger: To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
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@katiefzack: If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
@jonnysun: JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh...... ok
@notalogin: [God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up] Ugh, first world problems.
@DannyZuker: Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.