@jjhartinger: To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
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@TheReal_AndyMac: Someone once asked me if I was drunk. I said yes. That was the shortest job interview I've ever had.
@LoveNLunchmeat: that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
@MakesYouGiggle: Netflix: Are you still there? Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
@Reverend_Scott: The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. "Looks like they worshiped apples." said one archeologist.