To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
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Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
#damn
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.