To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
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[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on