[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
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Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Sunday
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Ironic
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Finished stitching this today 😇
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.