“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
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The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle