ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
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I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
S/o to @funTweeters .
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.