(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
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doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor