To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
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son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.