To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
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I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*