If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
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6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?