@junejuly12: To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
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@HenpeckedHal: Boss: You've been chosen to take a random drug test. Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
@joeljeffrey: Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
@MarcusTheToken: Whenever I'm on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
@NoTheOtherJohn: ZZ TOP: SHE'S GOT LEGS ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE