Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
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People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
A wise man once said nothing.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.