WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
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Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
😩😩😩
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.