To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
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SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.