@garrydavenport: To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
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@hippieswordfish: [arcade] KID: dad, some guy is hogging the claw machine DAD: hey buddy, why don't you give the kid a turn LOBSTER: BACK OFF WE'RE IN LOVE
@calluptome: Everyone complains about the weather but noone's sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
@WilliamAder: People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
@heroinsdemise: What many don't know, "Riverdance" was invented while waiting in line at the ladies toilet.