To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
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Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
This could’ve been an email.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
How times have changed.