Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
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I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Bike is short for Bichael.