@goldengateblond: The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

@RelatableQuote: How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE

@notenoughwine: Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you

@obviousplant_: Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:

@LivibelsDada: Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two mars bars fall out of a vending machine at once.