To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
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*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Solving a traffic jam
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.