My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
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Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.