@GlazerBooHooHoo: To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
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@iwearaonesie: i'll never forget what mom said when dad told her he thinks we're growing up too fast "they're in there daring each other to eat dog food"
@flashember: [Stock market crashes] "Oh no, I better check on my investments!" *opens cupboard over top of the sink* [1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
@WilliamAder: Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
@realHamOnWry: As a bachelor I learned to separate my laundry into three piles; dirty, not so bad, and I could wear this another two three times if needed.