yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
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If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.