Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
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Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720