To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
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Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
If you know, you know
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”