@DothTheDoth: To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. "good tacos boston"
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@katy_baybay: I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
@maisonwithapen: [mom knocks on my bedroom door] HER: are you modest? ME: well I'm no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter HER: ok I'm coming in
@ryangriffiths: I don't think people understand the potential ramifications when they say to me "just be yourself".
@Elizasoul80: [At auto store] Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires? "Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength."