@E_lok44: The world is so overpopulated, it's getting so a girl can't even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

@thatdutchperson: I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people's mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

@KimmyMonte: *takes construction hat to vet* Please help. My turtle hasn't moved in 8 years.

@markedly: My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. "You look like the earth," she said.

@RexHuppke: "Let's take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant." - inventor of the birthday party