To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
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*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
figuring out my emotional availability:
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Worst bar ever.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
dream blunt rotation
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.