@SteveKoehler22: If you use a wrong word in a tweet and a grammar nazi loses his shit- Try these consoling words : "Their, there, they're. It'll be okay"

@hippocroteez: WANTED: Good looking girl to jog in front of me while I run. Can't be fast.

@TheToddWilliams: COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there? ME: Can you be sure it wasn't just the planet slowing down? COP: I'm listening

@jctwritesstuff: [Speed Date] Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life? Him: I.. Me: Too slow. NEXT!

@kelkulus: Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.