To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
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[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
sry
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes