It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
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My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
This is a bad sign
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.