To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
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An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
i would wish you the best but i am the best