To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
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Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
[on my way back to the posting caves]
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
forgive me baja for i have blast
True freaking story!
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ