@Pundamentalism: To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.
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@Midgetspar: If I had a fake leg it would be a see-thru plastic one full of jelly beans and I'd only charge kids a dime for a handful like the old days.
@SondraDeeMe: When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I'm just patting him down to make sure he's not wearing a wire.
@OfficialMizGin: Reasons to carry a handkerchief: 3) You’ve never heard of tissues 2) You’re doing a magic trick 1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
@juliussharpe: Facebook's "People you may know" should be called, "People you definitely know and have been avoiding".