To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
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Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it