[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
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Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
The French cow says MEUX…
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?