[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
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ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.