*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
You Might Also Like
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I’m too immature for adultery.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Saw your ex at the shops
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.