*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
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[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.