Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
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1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Born to be mild.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
They’re the worst 😩
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns