Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
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*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Self-cleaning conscience
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.