Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
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Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.