American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
You Might Also Like
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.