Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
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Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
*lint rolls you awake*
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
This meal prepping shit easy
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Aw man, but that’s the best part
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus