Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
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ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
sugar glider wrangler
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now