My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
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Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
My blood type is coffee.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
SF is the wild wild west man
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Beware…..
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin