Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
You Might Also Like
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Just a phase…
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?