My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
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imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Kids, do not try this at home!
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.