@wesleysnipes: Today I am choosing to stay positive and kind to anyone I encounter today, except vampires.
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@bobvulfov: GOLFER: what r u thinkin ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
@yerpalmildsauce: WIFE: How was the first day of space command? ME: *dejectedly taking off my space suit* I messed up and said "laser beans."
@StellaRtwot: *phone rings Me: Hello? Telemarketer: Hello how are you today? Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
@Dawn_M_: This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don't know what's worse.