Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
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[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
This came to me in a dream.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”