[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
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[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.