Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
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The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.