Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
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Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?