Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
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I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*