Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
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Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse