Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
You Might Also Like
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
🙄😏😂🤣
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.