@ohheyohhihello: Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, "car bidet."
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@Reverend_Scott: Don't bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
@XplodingUnicorn: What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten: 1) phonics 2) writing 3) math What I actually taught her: 1) the dance to Thriller
@jjhartinger: I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
@Xalqee: How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?