Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
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When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”